a thousand stories

There are five ways to kill a man. Bet you didn't know that did you? Well there are. I've been thinking about this for, oh, a couple of days and I've come up with five different ways to kill a man. Actually it's one man in particular. One very special man and these are five special ways to kill just him. So, I suppose, they might not be the best five ways to kill YOUR special man - should you want to kill him at all. For all I know you might not want to be killing your special man. May be you love him. I love mine. May be I don't want to kill him either.

Maybe these are five "just-in-case" ways to kill a man. You know - JUST IN CASE I want to kill him. A couple of days ago I really wanted to and, God knows, I'm still livid with him now, but may be I'll give him a second chance. Maybe I should give him a second chance. But if he fucks it up then, well, I've got five special ways to kill my special man.

1. Tell his wife about me. This is really cool because she kills him instead of me. Unless she gives him a second chance but I reckon that his wife has a list of ways to kill him too so telling her would see him dead. For sure.

2. Tell his partner. Now, this guy has been looking to get him under the ground for like YEARS. The poor guy is always picking up the shit that my special man leaves behind and this guy definitely has a list of ways to kill. He's probably evil too.

3. Soak one of his cigarettes in a glass of vodka and tell him it's bourbon. My special man smokes like a stack. My apartment stinks of the fucking things when he's gone and I hate him for it. "I could smoke out the window, honey" he says. "No, honey, you just go right ahead". Then I hate myself. So a bit of nicotine-overdose in his body wouldn't cause to much suspicion.

4. Sell my story to Vogue. They are like SO pissed of with him right now that they would blow him straight out of the water. If he doesn't throw himself out of a window or in front of a train then his wife (1) and his partner (2) will find out and well, see points 1 and 2.

5. BLOW HIS BRAINS OUT WITH A .45. and mess up his suit.

But I might give him a second chance. I love him, so I'm giving him a second chance, yes. But if he blows that, well, I've got my list. I know what to do. I am prepared.